Home > Scripts > THE FAMILY NAME by James Cooper, with notes!

THE FAMILY NAME by James Cooper, with notes!

We’ve gotten about 2/3rds of the scripts, and have given out notes on ’em.  Here’s where we are, just before meeting #3 on Wednesday night.

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script by JAMES COOPER
“The Family Name”

Trey and Elizabeth are on-site at the grave of Sherlock Holmes, which has been broken into and robbed of his Spyglass. They’re able to deduce from footprints in the dirt that one of the suspects has a limp.

The absence of cane imprints suggests that, despite a limp, the suspect is stubborn enough to refuse a cane. It is also clear that this set of footprints must belong to the leader, as the footprints suggest minimal movement during the grave robbing. Likely the result of someone standing and giving orders during the ordeal. This fact, coupled with the distinct markings of an expensive Crockett & Jones dress shoe, suggest the ring leader achieves his status through financial means over his own cunning.

Sherlock’s grave placement has been a matter of secrecy until now, so whoever pulled this off must be able to afford the best of the best. Elizabeth takes particular note of the burnt Earth around the dug up grave. A quick scan indicates trace levels of the same type of electromagnetic radiation used in lasers. Lasers are typically part of massive, complex equipment, but one company, RaTek, has recently patented a portable laser solution for use in mining expeditions.

The Founder and CEO of RaTek, Adam Thomas, is bed-ridden in a hospital, but his son, Ashton, suffers from Congenital Hip Dysplasia, which is a malformation of the hip joint, causing one to limp from birth. They have their suspect.
In the Deerstalker, Trey and Elizabeth fly over the Thomas estate. An infa-red scan indicates there are a dozen people inside. Elizabeth and Trey dive out of the Deerstalker and crash through the mansion’s skylight. Ashton is there with many bodyguards. Elizabeth and Trey fight through the guards, but
not before the thief and Ashton lock themselves in his office. After disobeying an order to stay nearby, Trey is overcome by bodyguards and needs to be saved by Elizabeth.

Once they dispatch the guards, they bust into Ashton’s office, only to find it empty. Looking around, Elizabeth identifies a false bookshelf by noticing the faux Oak finish: it’s a lightweight plywood made to resemble the Oak furniture in the rest of the room. The shelf opens to a stairway, which they follow into an underground room filled with tech.
Ashton has been stealing artifacts and relics that once belonged to who he believes are the “Greatest Minds of History” including Alexander the Great’s sword, Sherlock Holmes’ glass, chalk that had once belonged to Albert Einstein, the pen Hitler used to write Mein Kompf, etc.

Ashton has built a machine using a mixture of fringe sciences that would allow him to absorb the energy stored within the objects, using his body as a conduit (the average human body is 60% water), to make himself an intellectually enhanced mastermind capable of besting any adversary and building an empire that will outlive him for generations.

Always belittled by his Father for his ineptitude and seeking his Father’s acceptance before he dies, Ashton commissioned the completion of the machine and intends to use the machine on himself to become a mastermind beyond even his Father. He will crush his father’s competitors and win his affection.

Realizing that Ashton is clearly nuts, they let him flip the switch to power the machine. Nothing happens. Unable to admit defeat, Ashton launches himself at Elizabeth, who knocks him out in a single blow.

Elizabeth and Trey are able to recover the Spyglass and other artifacts, and back at Holmes Inc, Edgar the First locks up everything in a vault in the  sub-levels of Holmes Inc.

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NOTES:

The ONLY think I might say about this (besides how much I like it) is that the panels moments before he turns on the machine have to be timed just right.  I’d suggest a few panels focusing on the mad man without any sign of the Holmes team, while the scientist rants…and then perhaps ONE panel of Elizabeth making the sneering comment, then we go back to the machine being turned on.  That’s merely a suggestion, I’ll be happy to see how you work out that beat.

Magnificent all around, though.  Can’t wait to see this one.

Ty–

Comments, Rob?

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This story moves really well. Some excellent clues and loads of action and shot of a skeletal Sherlock Holmes in is grave to kick things off. Does it get any better than that?

The new ending is a priceless moment.  One question – What happened to the thief? He’s there and then he’s not.  Do we see him abandon Ashton with a wave and a “You’re on your own!”?

This is gonna be an awesome tale!
Cheers,
Pinc
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James responded:
Thanks for catching the bit about the thief. I had actually intended to remove him completely from my story and forgot to take out that piece.Reason being is that he already gets the better of our heroes in Darius’s story, so I didn’t want him to show up just quickly enough to do the same in this story as well.

If you guys think he should be in there, I can definitely include him, but I think the story works just as well without him.

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Categories: Scripts
  1. March 16, 2011 at 3:50 am

    Despite being portable, I feel the laser equipment should be large, heavy, bulky and robotically aided/mounted — something akin to what Ripley climbs into at the end of Aliens to fight the queen, or smaller like a Bob-cat with legs. It might be nice to juxtapose the size and strength of the goons+machine against the wit+dexterity of the Holmes ladies during the fight scene.

    However, I don’t know if that would work with the “foot print deduction” at the beginning of the story. Perhaps they can detect the abnormally weighted foot prints in spite of the overwhelming number of mechanical prints?

    Also, would equipment like this constitute a second gimme, or would it be counted only as one given that it’s a single piece of equipment?

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