Pierce’s THE INTERNATIONAL INCIDENT (with notes)

Pierce’s two page story in script form, first draft.  Enjoy, it’s fun!

(Note to Pierce, of the three titles you suggested, this was the only one that doesn’t give away the gag).

—————————————————————–

THE INTERNATIONAL INCIDENT
By: Pierce Desrochers – O’Sullivan
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++PAGE ONE+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Panel One – EST————————————————————————————————————
The Holmes Inc Recreation room is in ruins. Trey and Edgar Jr. are asleep on the floor, Artie is half
awake in front of a giant computer that sits flush with the wall and is affixed with a web cam. They have
had a party. The area in which the computer and web camera is pointed is totally clean, but the rest of
the room is littered with pizza, students, beers, etc. Edgar Sr. is asleep in his wheel chair with scantily
clad young woman at his feet. The computer is ringing
Sound FX
No#2 Calling, No#2 calling
Artie
Guys wake up and don’t look guilty, No#2 is checking in from Africa.
PANEL TWO – MED ———————————————————————————————————-
Artie is smiling, Edgar Jr. is propped up on the desk beside him, and Trey is standing. They all look groggy
and are framed within a SKYPE – like interface. Artie clicks the mouse.
Sound FX
Click
Artie:
Sawubona No#2! How goes the meeting with General Zuzifa Mugabe?
No#2: He’ll be here within the hour, I’m a little nervous
PANEL 3 – MED————————————————————————————————————–
Elizabeth and No#2 are in a well decorated African hut. No#2 is sitting and Elizabeth is leaning on the
desk that the computer sits on.
Elizabeth
He’s a wreck. He Forgot the Reference number of the project they are supposed to discuss.
No#2
So, I need you to get Edgar Sr.
Artie
He’s out doing REAL detective work.
PANEL 4 – Med—————————————————————————————————————
Artie is framed in the center of the panel.
No#2
You’re eyes tell me otherwise. Get him Artie, this is business.
Artie
He’s not here, Sherlock.
Panel 5 – Med—————————————————————————————————————
Same shot. The scantily clad girl runs through the frame behind Artie.
Artie
How can I help you if you don’t even trust me? Is this an ageism thing or another Mycroft thing?
Panel 6 – MED———————————————————————————————————–
No# 2 is large in the foreground, leaning into the camera.
No#2
You had a party!
Artie
I have no idea what you’re talking about
Panel 7 MED ————————————————————————————————————
Artie is in the center of the frame, Edgar Jr. is asleep on the desk, and Trey is leaning in from the right.
Edgar Sr. chases the girl through the back of frame in his wheelchair.
No#2
I can see him!
Trey
Is that with those keen detective eyes of yours?
Panel 8 – EST – ——————————————————————————————————
No#2 is turned away from the computer, grabbing his hair. Elizabeth has her hand on his shoulder.
No#2
Goddamnit! They won’t be reasoned with!
Elizabeth
Calm down. Butting heads will get us nowhere. Be firm, but relatable, they’ll respect that.
+++++++++PAGE 2+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Panel one – MED —————————————————————————————————–
No#2 is centered in the frame, Elizabeth is to the side. No#2 looks frustrated
Panel two – Same ————————————————————————————————-
No#2 slowly gains his composure
No#2
Look, I was once kid and I respect your need to rebel.
Panel Three – Same —————————————————————————————————
No#2
I just need you to respect that it is my job to keep Holmes Inc’s reputation for Excellency in the
international market. I’m just asking for a little mutual respect amongst family and peers.
Panel Four – EST————————————————————————————————————–
The computer with Artie on it is in the foreground, Elizabeth and No#2 are in the same positions as they
were in previous panels. In the background a man dressed in camouflage, with a machine gun on his
back is leaning in the door way. No#2 looks embarrassed and frustrated.
Artie
All you had to do was ask. The project Number is REF23394HI34D323. If you’d taken the time to
memorize the simple system that you asked me to devise you wouldn’t be so stressed, now would you?
Elizabeth
Thank you Artie.
Doorman
Mr. Holmes, the General approaches
Panel 5 – Same Shot– ————————————————————————————————
The general enters accompanied by two soldiers, all three are in camouflage. Each wears a straight face.
Panel 6 – Same Shot————————————————————————————————–
No#2 and Elizabeth Still have yet to turn around. The General is whispering to his men, they look
confused and displeased. Their guns are raised.
Panel 7 Same———————————————————————————————————————–
The Generals men are in battle stance, guns aimed at the Holmes operatives. The General is behind
them near the door.
No#2 and Elizabeth have turned around. Their backs face the reader. Each has a note tacked to their
back. They read:
: THERE’S A REASON THEY CALL ME NUMBER TWO! (Accompanied by a cartoon poop drawing)
: ASK ME ABOUT NASCAR, INBREEDING AND TEXAS TOAST! or GLOBAL WARMING IS A MYTH or PROUD
TO BE RAISED IN A TRAILER PARK –Thoughts?
******** This could also be a chance to call back to an Elizabeth or No#2 joke that is in one of the other
scripts.
No#2
What’s the matter?
Panel 8 Med————————————————————————————————————-
Trey and Edgar Jr. are leaning close to Artie on the desk. They’re both are smiling. They look impressed.
Edgar Jr.
How’d you get them both?
Trey
And in Africa?
No#2 (off-screen)
Come on, can’t we talk this out?
Panel 9 – CU————————————————————————————————————————–
CU of Artie smiling. No#2 word bubble is off-screen
Artie
It must be the Mycroft in me.
No#2
Gentlemen, I assure you there’s no need for violence…
*** I realize that once I’m in the layout stage I may need to cut some of the purely visual panels in order
to get information across more clearly.

TY’S NOTES:

First off, I’m in love with the basic premise.  In love with it.  But you have to pay it off with something clever or it’s not “Holmes” in style.  The fun of the Holmes stories is that he explains how he deduces and does things, and it might not be fair play to simply tell the audience that you’re not going to tell them how you did something.

Now, you don’t have to use this, but off the top of my head, you could use nanobot technology to build the pieces of paper from fibers hidden in their partner’s clothes.  Or it could be a small matter transporter device, or a confederate in the local security force, pressed into service using secret information they’d prefer being kept quiet, or any one of twenty-eight other ideas.

ALSO:  I don’t like the idea of the family failing at stopping the violence at the end.  I’m fine with the gag and all, but we can’t make the main characters look foolish or appear as failures in the stories, or it devalues them.

And you’re right,  you can probably lose a panel per page and not lose any of the story beats.  When you lay these pages out (and re-think the ending as per the notes above) I’ll leave it to you to figure out where to cut.

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  1. Robert Pincombe
    June 13, 2010 at 9:20 pm

    What if they’re negotiating a peace pact and both sides are hostile? Then Artie’s signs crack up the leaders of both sides and they laugh together, thereby making Sherlock 2 and Elizabeth’s job easier… at the cost of some dignity. But Elizabeth at least, is okay with that?

  2. Rae Wells
    June 15, 2010 at 9:12 pm

    I miss the “I got skillz” line from the original pitch.

  3. Rae Wells
    June 17, 2010 at 7:15 pm

    I had a thought kind of related to Rob’s suggestion, that the prank actually helps solve the problem. What if it gets the hostile leaders talking about hijinx their own kids have pulled, and then they realize that (1) they’re more alike than they thought and (2) they want a better, stable future for their kids.

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