SPRING LOADED now with NOTES!

Hey All,

Here are the thumbnails and the script for Spring Loaded, written by Maddy Beaupre and penciled by Rachael Wells. There is a printable PDF of the script here.

NOTES are currently at the bottom of the page, after the script.

———————-PAGE ONE

“SPRING LOADED”

———————————————————————————–Page One (4 panels)

+++++++++++++++++++++++++ Panel One ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Establishing shot of a large room inside the London Holmes Inc Headquarters. It’s kind of a multi-purpose rec room (possibly with desks and computers to one side, a table and chairs, maybe a couch and TV, and a workout area with mats, a hanging punching bag and some weights, but the walls have an older, Victorian look to them, possibly with wallpaper and wood trim).

Elizabeth and Edgar Holmes the First are sitting across from each other. A table with a chessboard and chess pieces are between them. Elizabeth is holding a chess piece in the air, just about to set it down and finish her move.

Behind them Trey is battling with the punching bag, working out.

Number Two has just walked into the room holding a file folder of papers.

Edgar Holmes the First:

Hmm, yes, you would make that move.

Elizabeth:

Excuse me?

Number Two:

Elizabeth: undercover mission. The Prime Minister’s daughter’s buying that new drug, Spring, from a friend.

It’s going to require a delicate touch.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Panel Two +++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Elizabeth is standing facing Number Two and she’s reading from the file papers. Trey is standing further back, one hand raised high in the air, and looking very excited.

Trey:

I’ll do it! By myself, too. I’m much closer to Angela Brickston’s age than Elizabeth.

Number Two:

I’m not sure that’s a good–

Elizabeth:

Are you calling me old?

+++++++++++++++++++++++++ Panel Three ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Edgar Holmes the First remains seated, pointing at Elizabeth with a chess piece. Elizabeth is standing with her arms crossed, the file folder in one hand. Number Two is standing, looking resigned.

Edgar Holmes the First:

Better let Trey try. Our Yankee girl won’t fit in with Miss Brickston!

Elizabeth:

Gee, thanks.

Number Two:

Well… Trey has more experience in British schools. Okay, Trey.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Panel Four ++++++++++++++++++++++++

Trey is upside down in the middle of a cartwheel, looking very happy. Elizabeth doesn’t look very amused.

Trey:

Yes!

Number Two:

Elizabeth will supervise: you’ll remain in constant radio contact with her. Keep it quiet and out of the press. We want the dealer, not a drug scandal. The key to this assignment is subtlety.

—————————-PAGE TWO

———————————————————————————–Page Two (5 panels)

++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Panel One ++++++++++++++++++++++++

Inside of a car/van with tinted windows, where Elizabeth is going to be monitoring from. There are a couple computer screens, one of which has a video feed marked “glasses cam” that is streaming in from Trey’s glasses. (She’s wearing glasses, a backpack, and has a different hairstyle from before.) Elizabeth is sitting down at the computer, and Trey is halfway out the door.

Elizabeth:

Trey, I hope you read the research on Spring, Angela Brickston and her friends. The drug is dangerous if mixed with–

Trey:

This mission is mine, and my research is fine. I’m going.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Panel Two ++++++++++++++++++++++++

Outside, there’s a group of five students (19/20-year-olds, three girls, two guys, all dressed in formal wear, dresses and suits) walking down the steps of a large Oxford University-type building toward the parking lot. One of the girls is wearing elbow-length gloves, very fashionable shoes, and talking on her cell phone. Trey is now standing a little distance away from them, observing.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Panel Three ++++++++++++++++++++++++

Close-up on Trey, looking rather smug. (She and Elizabeth are talking via some kind of miniature Bluetooth earpiece, but it probably doesn’t need to be shown.)

Trey:

Figured it out.

Elizabeth:

You sure?

Trey:

Is the universal gravitational constant = 6.67300 × 10-11 m3 kg-1 s-2 ?

Elizabeth:

Oh-kay, then. Evidence?

++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Panel Four ++++++++++++++++++++++++

Medium shot on the students walking, the girl wearing the gloves and talking on the cell phone is in the middle of the group.

Trey:

She’s wearing gloves. Spring uses Genipapa Americana for flavour and colour. The plant’s also used in henna tattoos. If she’s dealing it, her hands are feeling it. Gloves hide the stains.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Panel Five ++++++++++++++++++++++++

Trey is looking confident, waving a hand in greeting, and walking toward the group of students.

Elizabeth:

Good work. Your ID is Chloe McGuey. You have intro biology with Angela. Get the dealer alone and make the arrest.

Trey:

Easy.

Hey, Angela!

————————————-PAGE THREE

——————————————————————————–Page Three (5 panels)

++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Panel One ++++++++++++++++++++++++

The group of students are now at the edge of the parking lot, with the university building in the background. The group has stopped and are all staring at Trey, their expressions displaying various degrees of confusion, disgust and skepticism.

Angela:

Do I know you?

Trey:

Yeah, I’m Chloe. I’m in your class!

Angela:

Oh, sure.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Panel Two ++++++++++++++++++++++++

Same as last panel, but Trey is standing there smiling and talking, while everyone else remains silent, still staring at her.

Trey:

So that genetics of prokaryotes and viruses lecture was great, huh? Who knew that a milliliter of water could contain a billion Escherichia coli cells or bacteriophages?

Elizabeth:

E. coli? You’re breaking the ice with E. coli?

++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Panel Three ++++++++++++++++++++++++

Trey is gesturing toward the girl with gloves (Jamie), who still has her phone in her hand, but isn’t talking on it anymore, and looking irritated. One of the guys (Bob) is talking and pointing at Angela.

Jamie:

Tell us what you want or get lost. We have plans.

Trey:

Cool, can I come?

Bob:

Sorry kiddo, the orchestra fundraiser’s sold out. We’re going thanks to Prime Minister Daddy.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Panel Four ++++++++++++++++++++++++

The group is walking away from Trey again, heading toward the cars. Jamie is walking between Bob and Angela. Trey is looking dejected.

Jamie:

Don’t tell her! That geek just wants to meet your dad, Angela.

Angela:

Ha! Maybe, Jamie.

Elizabeth:

Listen, it’s okay. So they’re clique-y. We can try again tomorrow–

++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Panel Five ++++++++++++++++++++++++

Close-up on Trey, looking determined.

Trey:

I’m going to that concert. You can get tickets, right?

Elizabeth:

Did Bach compose a lot of cantatas?

Trey:

Okay then.

———————————–PAGE FOUR

——————————————————————————–Page Four (4 panels)

++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Panel One ++++++++++++++++++++++++

Trey is standing in the lobby peering into a theatre/concert hall from a doorway. Inside and out, the theatre is big and fancy-looking. Trey is wearing a formal dress now. Through the door we can see a theatre full of people and an orchestra on stage. Elizabeth is not in the building but nearby.

Trey:
They’re all in there. Angela, her friends, the PM, security, everyone.

Elizabeth:

Trey, wait. No public confrontations, remember?

Trey:

I can be quiet, won’t start a riot.

Jamie’s getting up!

++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Panel Two ++++++++++++++++++++++++

We’re in the same place, but Trey is leaning against the wall, facing away from the door to the theatre. Jamie has stepped through the doorway from the theatre to the lobby, and is heading in the other direction. She doesn’t notice Trey.

Elizabeth:

Intermission’s in two minutes. We don’t have to do this tonight.

Trey:

Hmph.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Panel Three ++++++++++++++++++++++++

In the theatre lobby, Jamie is entering a washroom and Trey is following her, unseen by Jamie. Trey is looking very determined.

Elizabeth:

Oh, bad news: Angela’s classmate, John Ng, died this afternoon. From Spring. Jamie’s selling a bad batch. We need to end this before someone else dies.

Trey:

Why would she sell something that dangerous to her friend?

++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Panel Four ++++++++++++++++++++++++

Inside the washroom. Jamie was fixing her hair in the mirror, but is now startled and looking at Trey. Trey is standing with the door closed behind her, one hand on the door lock, looking ready for a fight.

Trey:

No minutes to waste,

Time to end drugs deadly laced.

Your guilt, I have traced.

Jamie:

What are you–?!

———————————–PAGE FIVE

——————————————————————————–Page Five (4 panels)

++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Panel One ++++++++++++++++++++++++

Trey is leaping through the air toward Jamie, fists clenched, looking furious. Jamie is looking terrified and has one hand in her purse.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Panel Two ++++++++++++++++++++++++

Trey has stopped abruptly, standing facing Jamie, who now has a gun pointing at Trey. Trey looks like she’s enjoying a good joke.

Jamie:

You stay away from me!

Trey:

Seriously? At least try to challenge me mysteriously!

++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Panel Three ++++++++++++++++++++++++

Trey has just kicked the gun out of Jamie’s hand, her leg in the air, the gun still in mid-air.

Trey:

Selling a bad batch of Spring. Dead is your customer John Ng.

Jamie:

Gah! What? John’s dead?

Elizabeth:

Trey, it’s intermission. People are in the lobby.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Panel Four ++++++++++++++++++++++++

Trey has Jamie in a headlock and an arm pulled behind her back. Jamie is visibly upset. Trey looks surprised.

Trey:

You sold a pill that can kill!

Jamie:

Let me go! I didn’t want to hurt anybody!

Elizabeth:

I have an idea. Let her go!

————————–Page Six (5 panels)


++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Panel One ++++++++++++++++++++++++

Jamie is halfway out the washroom door, running. Trey is following her, looking angry.

Elizabeth:

Why would she sell something deadly to her friends? Jamie didn’t know she was selling something this dangerous.

Trey:

So Jamie’s going to stop Angela from taking it?

Elizabeth:

Exactly.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Panel Two ++++++++++++++++++++++++

In the lobby, there’s a huge crowd of people all around. A few people are posing and taking photographs, we’ll also see a middle-aged man (the Prime Minister) being interviewed by a small camera crew. We see Jamie ahead, looking anxious as she navigates the crowd, and Trey following discreetly behind.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Panel Three ++++++++++++++++++++++++

They’ve reached the end of the lobby, away from the crowd and near a back door/emergency exit that opens onto a dark street. Jamie is pushing open the door, Trey is right behind her.

Jamie:

Angela?!

Trey:

Elizabeth, we’re at the back heading outside.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Panel Four ++++++++++++++++++++++++

Outside. Jamie is standing by the door. We can see the crowd of people inside through the door. Angela is standing off to the side, pill in hand. Trey is leaping past Jamie.

Trey:

Angela, don’t! Jamie sold you a deadly batch of Spring.

Angela:

What? Jamie? Is that true?

Jamie:

I’m so sorry, Angela. I didn’t know! The guy never said–

++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Panel Five ++++++++++++++++++++++++

Jamie is about to run back inside. Trey is standing by Angela, having grabbed her wrist (the Spring pill is still sitting in her hand).

Trey:

Jamie, wait!

——————————Page Seven (5 panels)


++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Panel One ++++++++++++++++++++++++

Elizabeth has suddenly appeared and is blocking Jamie’s re-entry into the lobby. Elizabeth is standing with her arms folded, looking down at Jamie, who is startled.

Elizabeth:

Sorry kiddo, we’re taking you to the police.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Panel Two ++++++++++++++++++++++++

Elizabeth is guiding Jamie by the shoulders over to where Trey and Angela are standing. Jamie is hanging her head.

Jamie:

Angela, I didn’t know. John’s dead and you could’ve died too! I swear I didn’t know it would kill anyone.

Elizabeth:

Talk to the cops, you can still save lives.

Trey:

Tell them who distributed Spring to you, and prevent anyone else getting hurt.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Panel Three ++++++++++++++++++++++++

Angela is hugging Jamie. Elizabeth still has a hold on one of Jamie’s arms and Trey is standing a little further back.

Angela:

I know you didn’t mean to hurt anyone. I guess we were both pretty stupid with this Spring stuff, huh?

Jamie:

Yeah, heh, pretty stupid. Stay safe, okay?

Angela:

Okay. You too, Jamie.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Panel Four ++++++++++++++++++++++++

Elizabeth, Trey and Jamie have walked some distance away from the theatre’s back door where they had been standing, heading toward Elizabeth’s car (same one from earlier). Jamie’s hands are in cuffs and Trey and Elizabeth are each holding one of Jamie’s arms and are talking to each other. Trey is looking a little sheepish. Elizabeth is smiling.

Trey:

So, uh, thanks for your help. Guess I needed it after all.

Elizabeth:

We make a good team. I sure wasn’t that quick at your age, Trey.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Panel Five ++++++++++++++++++++++++

Same basic positions, but they’ve walked a little further. Trey is done being sheepish/apologetic now and is back to teasing Elizabeth.

Trey:

Yeah, well, that doesn’t surprise me.

Elizabeth:

*Sigh* I can’t win, can I?

Trey:

No, sorry.

THE END

——————————————————————————————-

TY’S NOTES:

In general, the story telling is quite good.  The panel to panel flow is strong, and I like that you vary the placement of the horizon a good amount, something a lot of storytellers don’t do.  Gold star for that.  And you give me some nice variety with close, medium and establishing shots (more on that in a moment).

I’m not sure you have to rethink any of the basic forms or poses, I follow the story quite well…but there are a few things I do want you to look at.

NOTES:
1)  I’m wishing some of the more important close-ups were in the more dramatic moments of the story.  Page Seven, for instance, the most emotional scene in the story, is told entirely in medium shots, when we should be pulling in more.  In general, we’re pulling in on a long slow zoom towards the characters’ faces for the duration of a story…starting wide, and ending on a lot of close ups with an action/middle laden middle of the story. You’ve used some nice close-ups on pages five and six (best pages) but don’t really tend towards them on the other pages, and we’re too distancing on the last scene.

2)  You have a bad habit of cutting off feet and knees in moments that would be better served to pull back more to take in the whole figures at once, and more of the environment.  A head to toe shot is another thing we look for once a page, as it gives us a sense of breathing room and distance, to take in INFORMATION, without being engaged directly.   Taking in a scene with WHOLE figures in it, is part of the pace of a page.

3)  I know these are thumbs, but there’s little sense of place and environment on some of the pages.  But there’s information that’s essential the story in the background.  I can’t figure out whether that’s working without ‘em.  Even if it’s just a few lines, it helps move the eye and tell the story, as well as inform the reader where things are, like props and doors.

4)  All the pages have the same shape.  Either full bleed or full safe (I can’t tell) but you don’t use the variation available to you.  If you’re always out to the bleed, you have nowhere to go to up the volume on a big panel.  If you’re always in the “safe zone”, you’re not using your chance to go big.

5)  Lastly:  There’s not even close to enough room to fit the dialog, and you need to account for it.  More dead space in the story, if you please, specially up top.  Except on page six where there’s a funny dead space without dialog to fill it towards the upper right.  It’s above the balcony and it’s in the wrong spot.

NOW, don’t let any of that sound discouraging.  There’s a really nice storytelling ease in these pages, and I’m quite pleased with them in general.  But those five notes are where you should go for a second pass at these pages.  In many ways, you don’t have to redraw anything, it can be done in photoshop, or with very simple fixes.  Here’s a version of what I mean…

I took your page seven and played with it.  Pulling out on a few panels, and pulling in on a few others.  Adding a close up where you need one on the page, and adding minor details of a background.  Also, I’ve dealt with the bleed art vs. the safe art, so the page has extra depth.  (Now, I did this without going back to reference the story, so my pacing might be inappropriate to the script, I’m merely making a design/storytelling point).  This is your page seven without redrawing a single panel, merely playing with shape, and size, and pulling out and in a bit more, and suddenly it’s far more dynamic, and has room for word balloons and background.  All my notes can be done in this style, you don’t have to change your basic drawings (except for that drastic dead space on page Six)

TY THE GUY.

  1. June 10, 2010 at 9:58 pm

    Hey there, ho there. Just a few suggestions to liven up the poetry.

    Your drugs are laced
    And what a waste
    I’ve got you traced
    With vexing haste
    My target placed…

    —-
    Your friend John Ng?
    Dead from your Spring!

    —-

    The one might flow better if you just reversed it:

    I wont start a riot
    I can be quiet

    Of course, they’re just suggestions.
    Heather

  2. Rae Wells
    June 11, 2010 at 3:00 am

    Does Trey do the rhyming thing when she’s not in full-on, sword-swinging combat mode?

    • June 11, 2010 at 4:38 am

      My take on Trey and the verse is that she does it to show off. She might do it whenever the mood takes her, but it’s an affectation to freak out opponents (Like Cyrano, or Luther in Pulp Fiction).

  3. Robert Pincombe
    June 11, 2010 at 12:26 pm

    Way to go Rachel. You convey everything you need while avoiding drawing half of London every panel. Nice work.

    I miss the idea from the pitch night of Trey stopping the pill just before it enters her mouth with her sword. Plink! But then I am a twisted subhuman being.

    • Rae Wells
      June 11, 2010 at 2:01 pm

      Thanks, Rob!

      And I like the weapon-stops-the-pill but couldn’t figure out where Trey would have been hiding the sword while she was pretending to be a regular Royal Festival Hall patron. Also, I figured the fact that I have Trey slicing the pill in half with a shuriken just before it enters Angela’s mouth kind of ups the ante.

  4. Ty Templeton
    June 11, 2010 at 8:17 pm

    I’m just as happy with a flung weapon as a long shiny one.

  5. Rae Wells
    June 14, 2010 at 4:47 pm

    I didn’t notice that we lost the line about the shoes in the second draft. I kinda need it there.

  1. June 9, 2010 at 6:50 pm

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